My husband and I had alot of issues committing to marriage. We had cancelled one wedding and no one could understand why we were still together. Finally setting another date, the week before I was due to go to the mikvah arrived and found me doubting whether I could go through with it all over again.
We had been down a terrible road the previous time (the week before the last wedding) and at that time I had decided to not go to the mikvah because I was too upset about the issues between us. I was so focused on 'fixing' the problems before the wedding day that I ignored the role Hashem plays in our lives.
This time, nothing was going to get in my way. And boy did I have many tests that day!!! My best friend had to cancel coming with me for moral support (as my mom is handicapped) due to a crisis on her side and I was feeling really alone and scared... I was devastated. The only person I could think of calling for help was my husband's sister. Now, I had previously had issues with his family (especially having cancelled one wedding) and ordinarily there was no way I could share something this intimate with someone I was nervous around.
However, there I was sharing this totally private and intimate event and that has, more than anything else (including the wedding itself) made me feel more connected to his family than a name could ever do. Family shares these moments and it was then that I realised that his family was to be connected to me in ways even I couldn't understand and appreciate. She comforted me and gave me the stregnth to go when I probably wouldn't have gone (given the circumstances).
I will never forget that day. I was shaking by the time I immersed but being a bride, I took my time to pray (like I have never been able to before). I prayed for all my friends and family (old and new) with more emotion and love than I can even explain in writing. I was told that a bride is renewed at this mikvah immersion and all her past trangressions are washed away. I understand this to be true even though my physical self has problems letting go.
The best part was that my sister-in-law was waiting outside after my immersion with a big smile on her face (and a l'chaim) and the mikvah now connects not only my husband and me to Hashem, but my whole family........
