Why are so many marriages failures? And why do so many fail so soon after the wedding?
We read about the first shidduch (match) in history. Abraham sends his trusted servant, Eliezer, to find a wife for his son Isaac. He returns with Rebecca and they live happily ever after. The verse tells us "And [Isaac] took Rebecca, she became his wife, and he loved her." So, it would appear that in the Biblical scenario, true love comes after marriage, not before. Before a marriage can take place there has to be a commonality between two people, shared values, mutual aspirations and, yes, certainly a degree of chemistry between them. But true love has to be nurtured over time.
Without doubt, a primary cause of many marital breakdowns today is the unrealistic expectations that people have going into marriage.Our generation has been fed a constant diet of romantic novels, hit parade love songs, glossy magazine advice and Hollywood fiction novels, hit parade love songs, glossy magazine advice and Hollywood fiction - all of which bear little resemblance to the real world. (Dare I suggest that Shrek is the industry's first realistic love story?) "We fell in love!" "It was love at first sight." I confess to being a bit of a romantic myself, but surely "love at first sight" has got to be a contradiction in terms. 'Love' by definition takes years to develop. If you are honest with yourself, the only thing you can feel at first sight is lust. "Love at first sight" is a monumental bobba meise (old wives tale).
So we "fall in love" thinking it's real, hoping it will be true and lasting, and then at the slightest disappointment we fall right out of love. Which only proves that it wasn't true love in the first place. True love takes years, true love is the mature conviction that our lives are intertwined and inseparable no matter what -- even if my partner goes grey or flabby or loses his money. That kind of love is measured not in romantics but in long-term commitment.
When I officiate at a wedding ceremony I make a point of observing not only the bride and groom but also their parents. A single glance that passes between father and mother under that chupah -- radiating nachas and feelings of shared satisfaction -- tells me that they have had a good marriage. That, to me, is more telling then the mushy swooning of the newlyweds. As exciting as it is, their love may still be in the infatuation stage. Yet untested, it's still early days.
So the first rule is patience. Love takes time. It needs nurturing. Sadly, too many give up too soon.
Secondly, the Hollywood effect leaves us so naively impressionable that, at first, we convince ourselves that our partner must be the proverbial Prince Charming or Princess Grace. But then, at the first sign of imperfection, "Hey, I bought a lemon! I'm outta here!" Remember, nobody is perfect. Not even you, my dear. In the passage of time we do indeed discover the little imperfections of our chosen partners. Some things can be unlearned, with gentle encouragement and again, patience. Others, we may just have to learn to live with. Acceptance is an art. Weigh up in your mind the relative.Some things can be unlearned, with gentle encouragement and, again, patience significance of minor inadequacies against the greater good in the grand scheme of things. You may very well realize that you can actually live with those small, petty irritants. Admittedly, if it's something major then you may need to go for some serious counseling.
And in making these calculations consider the following: Do I stop loving myself just because I am imperfect? Do I stop loving my children because the teacher told me they were really bad at school? Of course not. Why then do I have difficulty loving my spouse because of a perceived fault?
Marriage is the beginning, not the end. If we can be realistic about our relationships we can find true love. But it takes time, patience, and the wisdom to overlook the little things that can annoy us. Then, please G-d, with true commitment will come true love, togetherness, a lifetime of sharing and caring and the greatest, most enduring contentment in our personal lives. Amen.