Thank G-d, our eldest son finally married about 18 months ago,-- and to the most wonderful woman, Our family has waited a long time for this miraculous brocha (blessing); he turned 39 years old on his wedding day! The next brocha that Hashem gave us was manifest the morning of his first sons bris, 11 months later.
When the excitement passed real life began to set in. My daughter-in-law, a most competent, professional woman, had been used to balancing the pressures of a very busy life. However, one morning, when Noah was just a few weeks old, she confided, I dont know how people manage more than one child. I cant find the time to do anything, not even eat a decent breakfast!
As a nurse-midwife, I was reminded of the many phone calls from my clients when the initial euphoria of motherhood began wearing away in the face of the ordinary, everyday demands of life. One harried and very emotional mom of a three month-old asked me, when does it get back to normal? I believe the appropriate question would be, What IS normal?
Obviously, normal differs from one person to another, and within that, from one space in time to another. Normal evokes a different visual for the pre-school teacher and mother of five children than it does for the 35 year-old attorney mothering her first baby. But generally speaking, we can probably agree that normal means a sense of being able to move through our day, doing what we think needs to be done, feeling some sense of control and ultimately some sense of satisfaction.
Normal doesnt translate as that all-too-familiar sense of complete overwhelm. And the challenge isnt unique to new nursing mothers. In truth, regardless of our age or circumstance, most of us are looking for that elusive sense of normal. How many times do we get to the end of the day and wonder, Where did the hours go and what exactly did I do?
This article is the first in a series that will deal with exactly that. We will discuss how to make ourselves, as women both young and not-so-young, feel healthier and stronger and become empowered to make decisions which will not only enhance our physical and spiritual well-being but also that of our families.
It is clear that we arent the only ones consumed by this dilemma. Just look at the plethora of self-help books, magazines and articles out there! The issue is not a simple one; rather it is multi-faceted, involving all aspects of our physical and spiritual selves. Feelings of normalcy and wellness exist only when we take a proactive stance in our lives -- not merely reacting to the stimuli arising in an average day. Sometimes just thinking of what is involved to get to that sense of wellness is enough to make us throw our arms up in exasperation.
In actuality, there are lots of things we could, should or would (the three worst words in the English language) like to change, but to make a significant difference in our lives, its important to start small. The most successful programs for changing behavior, 12 Step Programs, emphasize small steps. One day at a time, progress, not perfection are just two of the many self-talk adages that support massive changes. So with these thoughts as a guide, there are probably just one or two small things in our day that if we change, would, G-d willing, bring with them a great sense of relief. Now where to start??
In his authoritative Hierarchy of Needs, noted psychologist, Abraham Maslow tells us that to reach what he calls self-actualization, or a state of optimal wellness, where basic necessities come first. This lowest rung on his hierarchy includes food and shelter. Pretty basic, and yet, without those, its hard to begin thinking of how to feel physically, emotionally and spiritually whole. So in terms of making small changes, this is a good place to begin. Hopefully, shelter isnt an issue, so lets look at food.
First lets examine the context for this proposed change. Its a given that our lives are incredibly busy. The list of things to do is endless, so we tend to squeeze our have-tos in between our must-dos.
Women naturally multi-task and we delude ourselves into thinking that this lets us accomplish more. In truth, studies show that when we multi-task, we dont complete any of the jobs as well as if we were focusing on one at a time.
In regard to food, here are a couple of questions for you to think about. How many meals do you eat in the car? How many meals consist of your kids leftovers eaten as you are cleaning up or stirring the soup? Sound familiar? Most of the women I know would say yes. Yet, it is this fuel (yes, food is just fuel) that gives us the energy to do all the other stuff. And if the fuel isnt substantial, how can the activity it supports be satisfactory?
Now here is the short and easy (or not) advice: Focus that first nutritional change in what you eat in the morning. Then watch how this one proactive step begins to reverse that sense of helplessness experienced in the face of the days challenges. Thats not to say that there arent other places that need change. But the idea is to start somewhere - to actually start.
Once youve done this, you will have actually created a sense of order, a feeling that you now have some control. The day has begun with a statement of purpose. I am going to feed myself something healthy, something nourishing! That intention brings empowerment. OK, it may not last the baby cries, the toddler needs to be fed, and then the plumbing clogs up! Ah yes, another typical day. But I guarantee you this: if the day starts with the clarity of I am important enough to feed myself properly, physical nourishment does indeed become emotional nourishment.
Practically speaking, there are many sources for information on which foods are the most nourishing, so theres no need to enumerate them here. However, there are a few basic points worth emphasizing.
First of all, sugar in any form is an energy stealer. If the point is to create a strong foundation for the days demands, then stay far away from sugar. It is a quick fix, an immediate boost, but that boost turns into a huge downer very quickly and just screams for more. What a roller coaster ride!
And while we are on the topic, coffee does not constitute breakfast! Protein should be a mainstay for busy women because it provides a long lasting source of energy. Since we are mainly considering breakfast right now, choose a good protein as part of that first all important meal.
Are you too busy in the morning to cook something? Prepare it before you go to bed at night and heat it up in the morning. Another hint: dont lock yourself into the typical breakfast food ideas. Its OK to have dinner food for breakfast if thats what will work for you.
Its also important to plan what you are going to have so you dont grab the first easy thing you see. Remember, we arent just talking physical well-being here, though that shouldnt be minimized. You are also accomplishing that emotional lift that says I count. I am important enough to feed well, so dont rationalize away your power. As the ad says, I am worth it! The domino effect of this change will be apparent not only in you, but also in your family.
Im not claiming that change is easy or simple. The key is to do it slowly, step by step and with a sense of commitment no backsliding. It has been said that it takes 30 days to establish a new habit and this is a habit that will demonstrate its worth fairly quickly. Will eating a good breakfast ensure that my daughter-in-law will have the confidence that all subsequent babies, G-d willing, will be a piece of cake? (Whoops bad metaphor!) Probably not. But it will give her a sense of herself separate from her infant and the ability to perhaps take a longer view to a time when she can handle the challenges of motherhood, G-d willing.
Our life and its demands, whether new or ongoing, are our reality. The point is to accept them as that. Within that definition, however, are ample opportunities to learn and grow, to discover parts of ourselves previously unknown, and to be able to derive great satisfaction and fulfillment.
And as far as the question my client asked about when will it get back to Normal -- as youve probably guessed, my answer to her, while said with compassion and gentleness, was, This IS normal!