Are you feeling drained from raising a hyperactive child?
Recently, I came across a book called “Transforming the Difficult
Child” by Howard Glasser, which offers one of the best drug-free parenting
solutions I have ever seen. What I found most refreshing was that the book also
emphasizes the principles of Relationship Theory that I outline in my book
“At Risk-Never Beyond Reach.”
Anyone who has raised a “difficult” child knows how much time and energy
goes into managing negative and self-destructive patterns of behavior. Parents
in this situation often feel that most of the positive energy they once had for
their other children is drained away by an overly zealous and demanding child
who constantly derives negative attention for their behavior.
One of the ways of looking at the difficult child is that he/she is indeed
an “energy” sapper – like an inefficient oversized car – that seeks to eat up
energy (of her/his parents) at an overwhelming pace. Owners of SUVÂ’s witness
this all the time when dealing with skyrocketing fuel costs that inflate their
monthly bills to unacceptable levels. So, too, parents of kids who take up too
much of their energy feel like they are paying an unacceptable price for raising
their children.
In truth, all children demand their parent’s energy – some more and some
less. Some children are more energy efficient and go a long way with a little
input from their parents. With energy-efficient children, parents donÂ’t feel
drained; just a little pat on the back or a kiss and a hug is enough to get them
going for the entire today. And if they get into trouble, you can sit down with
them calmly, talk things out, and in a few minutes they just move on.
Not so with difficult children. No matter how much you put in – and
independent of all the treats, fun experiences, bribes and pleas – they continue
to feel that their proverbial cup is forever half empty. The difficult child is
also a thrill seeker. He or she prefers explosive fireworks to a simple game of
catch in the park. The need for energy compels difficult children to fight with
their brothers and sisters, get in trouble in school, and demand that their
parents pay primary attention to their negative and destructive
behaviors.
So what is motivating hyperactive children? The answer may
lie in viewing how their parents – and teachers – respond to their need for
energy. And hereÂ’s where Relationship Theory comes into play. In response to
the demand for attention, a parent has two choices: (1) yell back and go on the
offensive, (2) neutralize the negative behavior through deemphasizing its
exciting value and accent the positive.
I suggest trying number two. Since itÂ’s going to take parents considerable
energy to respond to the difficult child, why not spend energy in a positive
way?
HereÂ’s how it works. Simply stop responding to the childÂ’s negative
energy. Instead, look for opportunities to compliment and highlight positive
actions and attributes. The goal is to make the positive more exciting and
gently encourage the child to gain attention from positive behaviors. A good
example of this would be when the difficult child avoids fighting his/her
sibling(s) for a few minutes in a situation where he/she has traditionally gone
to war. A parent could say, “Great job. I noticed you avoided fighting and I
know how hard it is to sit still.” Or, when a child comes home with a D on a
test, instead of saying “Oh no, not again!” say “Wow, it looks like you tried
your best and answered at least 50% of the questions to the best of your
ability.”
This system is not about waiting for the good to happen, but about going out
and seeking it proactively. And while nurturing the childÂ’s need for energy in
a positive way, parents themselves can be transformed into becoming agents of
optimism.
Imagine the power of becoming a positive catalyst in the home, and of
becoming an individual who is always searching for the good and noting the
smallest improvements achieved by your children. This kind of positivism is
contagious. It has the power of disarming negative patterns and setting a new
standard for the emotional well-being of the family.
Being a positive parent is not a simple task. There is no question that
this approach takes considerable work. But in a situation where behavior
modification is demanded, the effort put into overcoming initial resistance can
pay off for an extended period of time.
The same approach is prescribed for parents dealing with the-at-risk crisis
in their homes. Statistically, many teenagers at risk were themselves
hyperactive children and still need to focus on the positive.
Parents who are able to change the energy levels in their homes have the
best shot at communicating to their children and their teens that although they
may be at risk, they are never beyond reach.