I know how badly parents want to find the pill to cure their teenagerÂ’s at-risk
behavior. In fact, most parents wished there was a magic pill they or their
children could take and the problems would somehow go away. Since we are living
pill-oriented society - where there are endless over-the-counter brands of cold
medicines for stuffy noses, high fever, coughing and the chills - we have begun
to expect the same quick fix for all areas of our lives – including
parenting.
Just last week, a parent came to talk to me about the trouble her daughter
was having in school. This fifteen-year-old religious teenager was flunking in
two key subjects, getting into trouble with her teachers and hanging out with
the wrong crowd. Desperate for a solution, she wanted to know if I could give
her a pill that would cure her daughterÂ’s at risk behavior. I told her that the
“pill” she was looking was to start work on the relationship with her
daughter.
The pill for fixing at risk behavior has always been the relationship between
parent and child which is why I believe that the at-risk phenomenon is something
new to traditional Jewish society. Since time immemorial we have been the People
of the Book and the people who knew how to shmooze. Jewish life was always
filled with discussion, dialogue and interaction between young and old. Today
things seem to have changed - instead of choosing to shmooze with our kids, most
people are opting to shnooze. And, I donÂ’t mean that parents are spending more
time sleeping. Rather, parents have lost the relationship edge with their
children and sharing good times has gone into a state of dormancy.
I believe that our grandparentÂ’s generation knew about the power of the
gift-of-the-gab. Our grandparents had something timeless; they knew how to have
a good time and that true happiness begins by nurturing our relationships with
our children and friends. Somehow we have become accustomed to believing that
sitting around on Shabbos or on Sunday afternoon and shmoozing about life is in
some way old-fashioned and out of place. Unfortunately, over the last 50 years,
the pace of life has sped up so much that family time has lost its joie de
vivre.
Think about the relationship with your teenager. How many hours do your
children spend on the computer, Internet, TV, cell phone, Palm etc. every day?
How can parents possibly compete with Hollywood, runescape, major league
baseball, the latest bands and everything else including the latest reality TV
shows? The answer has always existed in the power to connect to another human
being in the simplest way possible - shmoozing about life. Give it a try.
Invite your child out on a date. Unplug the iPod, turn off the monitor, shut
off your cell phone and just go for a walk.
I donÂ’t mean to say that shmoozing is everything. What I do mean is that
spending quality time relating to another human being is actually the most
pleasurable experience one can have. Despite what the big media giants want you
to believe, you are more meaningful to your children than Donald Duck, Kermit
the Frog and yes, even Teen Idol. Parents need to realize that just talking
with their kids and making them feel that they are the most important people in
the entire world is the most powerful way of ameliorating at-risk behavior.
As a father of a big family I know that spending time with each child is not
an easy thing to do. The Rebbe Rashab once said that a parent should spend at
least 20 minutes a day thinking about their childÂ’s education. In todayÂ’s
face-paced world, his message is more meaningful than ever. And even if you
canÂ’t spend the full twenty minutes, try ten - or even five.
Take my advice. If you want to break through to that teenager who is going
off the derech, hereÂ’s my prescription:
Take:
2 minutes a day thinking about your childÂ’s special qualities
5 minutes a
day just talking with them
1 cup of coffee (something to slow down the
conversation)
1 minute to reflect on the fact that you did something
great
The most important thing about this pill is that you start taking it every
day. And, unlike certain medicines that canÂ’t promises results, I promise that
this “medicine” will make a difference in your child’s life.