When “No!” Is the First Response, No Matter What
Is it normal for a child to say “No!” before a parent – or anyone else – even
finishes a sentence?
It depends on the age of the child. When your toddler has just learned to
talk and realizes he can earn a BIG reaction when he says the word “No!” he
often uses it quite often at the beginning.
Later on, of course, he learns that saying “no” to his parents is not
necessarily the right thing to say. Rewards and punishments meted out in
accordance with the reason for the “no” soon teach him when and how the word
should be used.
But what about the school child who is still in the “No!” stage?
Rochel, a third grade Hebrew teacher in one of the local girlsÂ’ schools had
such a problem with one of her students. Shaindy was a sweet girl, the fourth
of seven children in an active household that never stopped moving.
Shaindy often had trouble sitting still in her seat, but was an avid reader
and loved learning. She loved Rochel, who was also her madricha, but despite
the close bond between the two, Shaindy was unable to control one bad habit: she
argued with almost everything anyone said to her. Sometimes she didnÂ’t even know
why she was arguing, and once she actually caught herself saying “no” when she
didnÂ’t even mean it! It was almost a reflex.
Shaindy was not nearly as good a student in English, especially in her math
class. She hated learning multiplication, had no patience for division and was
not particularly attached to her teacher.
It was no wonder that she was rarely cooperative in this class – but even
Rochel, her beloved morah, was surprised at the reports from the English
teacher. “Shaindy does not work up to her ability,” read one report. “She is
argumentative, defiant and disrespectful.” Shaindy ignored the teacher’s
requests and often broke the rules in the classroom. The English teacher told
Rochel in a conference held in the principalÂ’s office that Shaindy indeed meant
“No!” when she said it.
A follow-up conference with ShaindyÂ’s parents revealed similar behavior at
home. With her father, whom she adored but rarely saw due to his late work
hours, Shaindy would argue but could easily be convinced to cooperate. Even so,
said her father, ShaindyÂ’s first reaction to any request or comment was
generally oppositional, even if she didnÂ’t really mean it or understand the
question.
Her behavior with her mother and siblings was a different matter entirely,
and Shaindy was often outright defiant, refusing to do what she was told and
ignoring the household rules.
It finally got to a point that Shaindy was kicked out of English class – and
at home, she was in her room more times than out, because her mother couldnÂ’t
deal with her. The constant arguing and her unwillingness to obey eventually
led to threats by her mother of more and more severe punishments.
The school recommended an evaluation by a psychologist, which eventually led
to a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), a disruptive behavior
disorder that is exactly what it sounds like: oppositional and defiant
behavior.Remember - when in doubt, rule it out.
Approximately 60 percent
of school-age children with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) also
have ODD, although the condition also occurs alone.
Children with ODD – and their families – need behavior therapy, which usually
includes a behavior modification plan that spans all the environments in the
childÂ’s life. Parent and teacher training is necessary as well, because carrying
out a behavior plan is not as simple as it sounds. It requires a person to set
aside preconceived notions about children “knowing how to behave” and to simply
stick to the plan, all the time, every time, absolutely consistently.
Not every defiant child has Oppositional Defiant Disorder; there are many
other reasons for problematic behavior. But it is always a good idea to check it
out.